Humor

A little girl was trying very hard to take care of her sick mother. She did everything to make her mom feel more comfortable in bed, then quietly slipped into the kitchen. She had seen her mother make hot tea for her father when he was sick, so she set out to do the same for her ailing mom. With cup and saucer in hand, she took the tea into the bedroom and her mother was touched by this sweet act of compassion. The mother showered her daughter with praise and then said, “I didn’t know you could make tea.”

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.” 

My mother taught me religion.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about time travel.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

Here’s how several elementary school students answered the following questions about moms:

Why did God make mothers?
She’s the only one who knows where the Scotch tape is.
Mostly to clean the house.

How did God make mothers?
He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic, plus superpowers and a lot of stirring.
God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

No matter the size of her family or ages of her children, any woman who wants to have some time alone can always find it by simply doing the dishes.

Source: Unknown

Four brothers left home for college and became successful doctors and lawyers. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

A little boy was sick on Palm Sunday and stayed home from church with his mother. His father returned from church holding a palm branch. The little boy was curious and asked, “Why do you have that palm branch, Dad?”

“You see, when Jesus came into town, everyone waved palm branches to honor Him, so we got palm branches today.”

The little boy replied, “The only Sunday I miss is the Sunday that Jesus shows up!”

Source: Unknown

Barbara Reed tried to get her 4-year-old granddaughter to eat lunch but she didn’t like any of the foods offered. Every time she encouraged her to try a different kind of food, Sabrina would reply, “No, thank you.” Barbara persisted until the little girl said, “Nana, my mama says, ‘No means no!’”

It would be good if many Christians realized that when God says, “No,” He means “No.”

Source: Unknown

At the end of a revival service the evangelist invited people to come forward if they wanted someone to pray for them. About midway through the line of people stood an imposing, intimidating looking man. When the minister asked about his prayer request, the burly guy said, “Reverend, I need you to pray for my hearing.” The evangelist quickly placed his hands over the man’s ears and prayed fervently for restored hearing.

A father was talking to his oldest son about the boy’s upcoming baptism. Wanting him to understand the significance of the event, he took great care to communicate with him. While they were talking, the boy’s younger brother, a little four-year-old, left the room. He seemed visibly upset so teh father followed him to see what was wrong. Tearfully, the little guy confessed, “I want to be alphabetized with my brother.”

Source: Unknown

A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out:

In a Peanuts cartoon, Linus is curled up in a chair, reading a book, while Lucy stands behind him with a funny look on her face. Lucy then says, “It’s very strange. It happens just by looking at you.”

“What happens?” Linus asks.

Lucy calmly answers, “I can feel a criticism coming on.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by Dr. Jeff Redlin

Don’t let your mom brush your hair when she is mad at your dad.

If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.

You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time.

You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Sometimes the best one in the play has the fewest lines.

Twelve is a lot older than eight.

One spring day, three-year-old Douglas helped his grandfather fertilize the lawn.

When the job was finished, Grandpa handed his grandson two quarters.

“Well, Douglas,” Grandpa said, looking at the lawn, “what do you think?”

Looking at the money in his hand, Douglas confidently replied, “I think it needs to be done again, Grandpa.”

Source: Unknown

When a young woman’s mother’s office got a fax machine, the daughter suggested sending their correspondence by fax instead of using the post office. Although she told her many times that it was a faster and less expensive way to communicate, her mother continued to send her mail by weekly letters. At Christmas, however, her mother showed that she now had a full grasp of the technology. She faxed a $100 bill with the note: “Merry Christmas, Darling. You’re right—it is cheaper to fax than to mail. Love, Mom.”

Source: Unknown

One man said, “My wife will buy anything marked down. Yesterday, she tried to buy an escalator.”

Source: Unknown

A few days before Christmas two men in Florida decided to go sailing while their wives went Christmas shopping. While the men went out sailing a terrible storm arose. They had great difficulty keeping the boat under control, and as they maneuvered their way back to land, they were grounded on a sandbar. They jumped overboard and had to push with all their might trying to get the boat into deeper water. As they were doing this, the wind was blowing terribly, the waves were rushing up upon them, and they were soaking wet and knee deep in mud.

At Thanksgiving dinner one wife said, “Who wants to carve the turkey?”

Her father said, “You carve him, you married him.”

Source: Unknown

The story is told of a woman who had finished shopping and returned to her car. She found four men inside the car. She dropped her shopping bags, drew a handgun, and screamed, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car.”

Those men did not wait for a second invitation; they got out and ran like crazy. The woman, somewhat shaken, loaded her shopping bags and then got into the car. But no matter how she tried, she could not get her key into the ignition. Then it dawned on her: her car was parked four or five spaces away!

A prospective father-in-law said to his daughter’s boyfriend, “How much money do you have in the bank?”

“I don’t know; I haven’t shaken it lately.”

Source: Unknown

An exasperated husband asked his wife, “Why are you always worrying when it doesn't do any good?”

She quickly piped back, “Oh yes it does! Ninety percent of the things I worry about never happen.”

Source: Unknown