Humor

A school teacher was correcting papers, and as she looked at one little boy’s work, she was appalled with the results. She said, “I fail to understand how one person could make so many mistakes.”

The boy replied, “But it wasn’t just one person. My dad helped!”

Source: Unknown

“Fathers are what give daughters away to other men who aren’t nearly good enough, so they can have grandchildren that are smarter than anybody’s.”—Paul Harvey

Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about who had the highest paid father:

The first boy said, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $100.”

The second boy said, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $1000.”

The third boy said, “My Dad is ever better than that. He scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes 6 or 8 men just to collect all the money!”

Source: Unknown

Ronald Reagan, told the following story: “I once addressed a very large, distinguished audience in Mexico City and sat down to rather scattered and unenthusiastic applause. And I was somewhat embarrassed, even more so when the next man who spoke, a representative of the Mexican government speaking in Spanish, which I don’t understand, was being interrupted virtually every other line with the most enthusiastic kind of applause.

Charles McKinley, had four weeks of vacation coming, so he decided to visit his parents in DeSoto, Texas. Rather than buy a plane ticket from New York to Dallas for $320, McKinley, a shipping clerk, packed himself into a shipping crate and air-expressed himself home, charging the fees to his employer. When the crate was delivered to his parents' front step, McKinley pushed out of the box and shook hands with the "shaken and frightened" delivery driver. The driver called the police. After an investigation by the FBI, the U.S.

Ralph was head over heels in trouble, but doing little to help himself. A friend advised, “Ralph, you’ve got two hands, why don’t you do something?”

“I am,” Ralph replied, “I’m wringing both of them.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

The story is told of a man who was asked, “Are you a believer in the Christian religion?”

“Oh, certainly!”

“You are a member of some church, then, I suppose?”

“Member of a church? No, indeed. Why should I be a member of a church? It is quite unnecessary; the dying thief wasn’t a member of a church, and he went to Heaven.”

“But of course you have been baptized; you know the command—”

“Been baptized? Oh, no; that is another needless ceremony! I am as safe as the dying thief was, and he never was baptized.”

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me, Daddy, I’m under five.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

The prospective father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, “Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

An NBA game between the Houston Rockets and Golden State Warriors was stopped for about five minutes because of a bat that was swooping over the court and flying uncomfortably close to some of the players. The bat was finally caught in a net and released outside.

Just as a little bat could disrupt an entire game, so a simple sin can stop the productive life of a Christian.

Source: USA Today, March 8, 2002

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

A young fellow once said to his girlfriend: “I dreamed about you last night.” Naturally, she was intrigued and wanted to know all about it. He said, “I dreamed that I proposed to you. I wonder what that means!”

She said, “That’s very simple, “It means that you have more sense when you’re asleep than you have when you’re awake!”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week. “Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

1. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

2. Speak only in a “robot” voice.

3. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will “swipe your grub.”

4. Name your dog “Dog.”

5. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot.”

6. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

7. Practice making fax and modem noises.

8. Finish all your sentences with the words, “In accordance with the prophesy.”

Several years after helping inventing radar, Sir Robert Watson Watt was caught in a radar trap and arrested for speeding. He wrote this poem:

Pity Sir Robert Watson Watt,
Strange target of his radar plot,
And this, with others I could mention,
A victim of his own invention.

Source: 750 Engaging Illustrations for Preachers, Teachers, and Writers, Craig Brian Larson

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

Sign posted in the Army recruiting office: “Marry a veteran, girls. He can cook, make beds, sew, and is already used to taking orders.”

Source: Unknown

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she announced. “One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.”

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I'm not free. I'm four.”

Source: Unknown

A little 7-year-old boy named Alex was staring at a large plaque in the church foyer. The plaque was covered with names and small American flags. As Alex looked at it, his pastor walked up and said, “Good morning Alex.”

Alex said, “Pastor, what it this?”

“Well, it is a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.” Soberly, they stood together staring at the plaque.

In a tender voice Alex asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?”

Source: Unknown

For her special day Janet received an expensive tube of Retin-A from her two teenage daughters. When she shared about her gift at a luncheon with friends, they were all impressed that her girls were resourceful enough to finagle a prescription medication to help diminish wrinkles. Realizing this was such a unique gift, the ladies were curious as to what they gave her for last Mother’s Day. Without a moment’s hesitation Janet replied, “The wrinkles!”

Source: Unknown

A little boy forgot his lines in a Sunday school presentation. His mother was in the front row to prompt him. She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Her son’s memory was blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.” the child beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice said, “My mother is the light of the world.”

Source: Unknown

Motherhood has truly set in when: