Humor

The story is told about a lady who was very distraught because her pet cat died. His name was Homer.

She called a local Baptist church and asked the minister if he performed funerals for cats and of course he told her he did not, but suggested she call the Presbyterian church. He thought that they conducted funerals for cats.

And of course the Presbyterian church didn’t either and so they referred her to the Methodist church in town.

The Methodist church passed, and said, “Sorry, but we don’t perform funerals for cats either.”

In Muhammad Ali’s heyday as the heavy weight champion in boxing, he had taken his seat on a 747 which was starting to taxi down the runway for take off. The flight attendant walked by and noticed Ali did not have on his seatbelt, and said, “Please fasten your seatbelt, sir.”

He looked up proudly and snapped, “Superman don’t need no seatbelt.”

Without hesitation she stared at him and said, “Superman don’t need no plane.”

Source: Tony Evan’s Book of Illustrations, Tony Evans

Some people buy things on the “lay awake plan.” They lay awake each evening trying to figure out how they will pay for it!

Source: Unknown

A Jew and a Christian were indulging in a friendly argument about their respective faiths. “Most of the good things you Christians have, you’ve taken from us,” the Jew said. “The Ten Commandments, for instance.”

“I’ll admit we took the Ten Commandments from you,” answered the Christian, “but you can’t say that we’ve kept them.”

Source: Unknown

A very nervous airline passenger began pacing the terminal when bad weather delayed his flight. During his walk, he came across a life insurance machine. It offered $100,000 in the event of an untimely death aboard his flight. The policy was just three dollars.

He looked out the window at the threatening clouds and thought of his family at home. For that price it was foolish not to buy, so he took out the coverage. He then looked for a place to eat. Airports now carry a good variety of eateries so he settled on his favorite, Chinese.

Some primary-aged children had “Show and Tell” in their class. The first boy said, “My name is Benjamin, and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David.” Next a little girl said, “My name is Mary, and I am Roman Catholic and this is a rosary.” Finally a little boy came to the front and said, “My name is Johnny, and I am a Baptist and this is a casserole.”

Source: Unknown

A counseling center hotline used the following voice mail message: “Thank you for calling. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, remember that we know who you are. Even while you have been holding, we have been tracing this call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it really doesn’t matter which number you press.

A young attorney started his first practice. He was ambitious and excited about how great his firm would soon be. His phones had not yet been hooked up, but he quickly picked up the phone when he heard footsteps toward his office.

Looking as dignified as possible, the new attorney said, “Yes, this is Attorney Jones. I need to do depositions tomorrow.” Then a man walked into his office.

“Can I help you?” asked the young attorney.

“Yes, I’m here to turn on your phone service.”

Source: Unknown

After the dedication of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally the boy replied, “That pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

Source: Unknown

A young boy went to the local store with his mother. The shop owner, a kindly man, passed him a large jar of suckers and invited him to help himself to a handful. Uncharacteristically, the boy held back. So the shop owner pulled out a handful for him. When outside, the boy’s mother asked why he had suddenly been so shy and wouldn’t take a handful of suckers when offered. The boy replied, “Because his hand is much bigger than mine!”

Source: Unknown

The story is told of an elderly lady who never married. She requested  that at her funeral there be no male pallbearers. In her handwritten request she said, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was living, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

Source: Humor for Preaching and Teaching, Edward Rowell

A grandmother told her granddaughter, “Tomorrow, we’re going to Sunday school”

“I don’t like Sunday school,” said the granddaughter.

“We need to learn more about God,” replied the grandmother.

The granddaughter said, “I learned about Him last week.”

“I’ve been going to church all my life, and I haven’t learned enough,” said the grandmother.

The granddaughter replied, “Well, maybe you weren’t paying attention!”

Source: Unknown

Friend to Wife: “Do you think your husband is hard to please?”

Wife: “I really don’t know—I’ve never tried.”

Source: Unknown

Peter stopped a man at the gate of Heaven and asked him to give an account of himself. “Tell me one good thing you did in your life,” demanded Peter. The man paused for a moment and then responded, “I saw a gang harassing an elderly woman, so I kicked the leader in the shins.”

Peter asked, “When did this happen?”

The man replied, “About forty seconds ago.”

Source: Unknown

The story is told of a young man who entered a jewelry store with an engagement ring and told the jeweler he would like to have some names engraved on it. The jeweler asked, “What names do you wish to have engraved in it?”

“From Henry to Clara,” the young man whispered, red-faced.

The jeweler looked from the ring to the young man and smiled. “Take my advice, young man, and have it engraved simply, ‘From Henry.’”

Source: The Medical Standard, Volume 42, Issue 8

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him. Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment then looked upward and said, “A-a-a-men!”

Source: Unknown

Six—year—old Molly complained to her mother that her stomach hurt. Realizing it was almost lunch time, Mom told Molly, “Your stomach is empty, you’ll feel better after you put something in it.” Later that evening, the Pastor came over for a visit. During the conversation he mentioned he had headache. Molly piped up with a solution: “That’s because it’s empty. You’ll feel better when you put something in it.”

Source: Unknown

While standing at attention during a parade, a private began to wave in the audience. The drill sergeant sternly warned the private, “Jones don’t ever do that again.” A few minutes later though, the private waved again. When the parade was over, the livid sergeant began to yell and scream at the soldier. He pointed out the dangers of disobeying a superior. Jones was still unremorseful. The instructor then yelled, “Boy, aren’t you afraid of me? Don’t you know what I could do to you?”

Jones replied, “Oh yes sir, but you don’t know my mother.”

Source: Unknown

One man, while browsing in a Christian bookstore, discovered a shelf of “reduced price” items. Among the items was a little figurine of a man and woman, their heads lovingly tilted toward one another. “Happy 10th Anniversary,” read the inscription. It appeared to be in perfect condition, yet its tag indicated “damaged.” Examining it more closely, he found another tag underneath and chuckled—“Wife is coming unglued.”

Source: Unknown

A man on vacation was strolling along outside his hotel. Suddenly, he was attracted by the screams of a woman kneeling in front of a child. The man knew enough to determine that the child had swallowed a coin. Seizing the child by the heels, the man held him up, gave him a few shakes, and a quarter dropped to the sidewalk. “Oh, thank you sir!” cried the woman. “You seemed to know just how to get it out of him. Are you a doctor?”

“No, ma’am,” replied the man. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”