Humor

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

Source: Unknown

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride wearing white?” Her mother said, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life!”

The little girl thought about this for a minute, then asked, “Why is the groom wearing black?”

Source: Have You Heard the One About... Religion, Lucy Blackman

The story is told of a boy named Patrick who asked repeatedly for a watch. His parents forbade him to talk about it anymore. At dinner he was asked to pray and he said, “Before I pray, I would like to quote Mark 13:37, ‘And what I say unto you, I say unto all, WATCH!’”

Source: Unknown

Although Jane was raised a Methodist, she started attending a Baptist church when she moved to a new community. One day she was helping a group of women clean the church kitchen. She emptied the large electric coffeepot and handed it to the lady washing dishes.

The lady washing dishes asked, “Can this be washed like everything else?”

“No,” Jane replied. “This is a Methodist coffeepot. It says right here, DO NOT IMMERSE.”

“Did I ever tell you about my grandchildren?” a proud grandfather asked.
“No,” replied the friend, “and you don’t know how much I have appreciated it!”

Source: Unknown

One little boy described his grandmother as someone who comes to visit and keeps your mother from spanking you.

Source: Unknown

A lady said to her nephew, “How old are you?”

“Three,” he said.

“Well, when will you be four?”

He replied, “When I’m done being three!”

Source: Unknown

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your stupid cat.”

Source: Unknown

Alexander M. Sanders, Jr. (who was at one time the Chief Judge of the South Carolina Court of Appeals) spoke to the graduating class of the University of South Carolina in 1992. His daughter, Zoe, was a member of that class. He told a story about when Zoe was 3 years old. Sanders came home to find a crisis. Zoe’s pet turtle had died and she was crying her heart out. His wife turned the problem over to him to solve.

A mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They’ve got Mom! And they want money!”

Source: Unknown

It has been said that there are three ways to get something done:

1. Do it yourself
2. Hire someone else to do it
3. Forbid your kids to do it

Source: Unknown

Someone said that the main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Source: Unknown

Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. “Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious. ”What trick is that?” she asked.

“I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,” the little boy answered.

Source: Unknown

A dad with five children was picking up toys in the back yard.  He said to his wife, “You know since we had children I’ve learned the meaning of, ‘When I became a man I put away childish things.’”

Source: Unknown

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him/her,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

Randy was unsure about his choice of clothes for church so he sought some counsel from his wife. He asked, “Do you think I should change?”

She took advantage of the opportunity and replied, “It depends—are you talking about changing your shirt or making a wholesale change as a human being?”

Source: In Other Words

A man dialed a wrong number and got the following recording: “I am not available right now, but I thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”

Source: Unknown

A fisherman was at sea with his godless companions when a storm came up and threatened to sink their ship. His friends begged him to pray; but he said, “It’s been a long time since I’ve done that or even entered a church.” At their insistence, however, he finally cried out, “O Lord, I haven’t asked anything of You in 15 years, and if You help us now and bring us safely to land, I promise I won’t bother You again for another 15!”

Unfortunately, many people view prayer as an escape mechanism rather than a constant line of communication with God.

Children go through four stages.  First they call you DaDa. Then they call you Daddy. As they mature they call you Dad. Finally they call you collect.

Source: Unknown

Three young fathers were in the waiting room. The first was told that his wife gave birth to twins. He was amazed and said, “I play ball for the Minnesota Twins.”

Later, the nurse came out and told the second man, “Congratulations, you are the father of triplets.” He said, “That is amazing! I work for 3M.”

The man next to him fainted. When he woke up they asked, “What’s wrong.” He said, “I work for 7Up.”

Source: Unknown