Humor

1. Every time I went, they asked me for money.
2. The people sitting in my row didn’t seem very friendly.
3. The seats were very hard.
4. The coach never came to visit me.
5. The referees made a decision I didn’t agree with.
6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they only came to see what others were wearing!
7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
8. The band played some songs I had never heard before.
9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands.

During Sunday school, the teacher asked her class of first-graders if anyone could describe a Christian. A little boy quickly raised his hand and stated, “Christians are nice people who never complain, argue, or talk back.” He then added, “My Daddy is a good Christian, but my Mommy isn’t.”

Source: Unknown

A Sunday school teacher was endeavoring to impress upon a class of boys the importance of living the Christian life. “Why do people call me a Christian?” the man asked.

After a moment’s pause, one youngster said, “Maybe it’s because they don’t know you.”

Source: Unknown

Some people don’t want to accept their need for change. The story is told about a doctor who told a man to give up red meat, so he stopped putting ketchup on his hamburgers.

Source: Unknown

The nice thing about apathy is you don’t have to exert yourself to show you’re sincere about it.

Source: Unknown
Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it’s broken, it’s yours.

There was a fellow who was about to jump from a bridge. An alert police officer slowly and methodically moved toward him, talking with him all the time. When the officer got within inches of the man he said, “Surely nothing could be bad enough for you to take your life. Tell me about it. Talk to me.” The would-be jumper told how his wife had left him, how his business had gone bankrupt, and how his friends had deserted him. Everything in life had lost meaning. For thirty minutes he told the sad story—then they both jumped.

A Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point. She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”

There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. “Sin,” he said.

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

A co-worker asked a friend why he got donuts if he is trying to diet. He said, “Well, I came around the corner where the donut shop was. I told God, if He wanted me to buy some donuts to have a parking spot in the front. On the eighth time around, there it was!”

Source: Unknown

Make this Christmas one you will not soon forget—charge everything!

Source: Unknown

One lady waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had forty-nine folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of fifty cards without really looking at them. Still in a big hurry, she addressed the forty-nine and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to forty-nine of her friends. Much to her dismay, it said:

A little boy ran to the kitchen with a big box in his hand and breathlessly told his mother, “We’d better tell Santa Claus to forget about the train set I ordered. I just found one on the top shelf of Dad’s closet.”

Source: Unknown

1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.
4. He LOOKS like Santa Claus.

Sitting in the stands at a baseball game, a lady critic yelled, “Ump, if I was your wife, I’d feed you poison.” This was all the baseball umpire could stomach. Glaring back, he shouted, “And if I were your husband, I’d take it!”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

Automatic dishwashers—they make it possible to get out of the kitchen before the family comes in for their after-dinner snacks.

Husbands who attack small repair jobs around the house. They usually make them big enough to call in professionals.

Children who put away their things and clean up after themselves. They’re such a joy you hate to see them go home to their own parents.

Gardening—it’s a relief to deal with dirt outside the house for a change.

Smoke alarms—they let you know when the turkey’s done.

During the Civil War someone reported to Abraham Lincoln that Edwin Stanton, one of the President’s cabinet members, had referred to him as a fool. Mr. Lincoln replied, “Well, I must check into that, for I have found that he is usually correct in his judgments.”

Source: My Favorite Illustrations, H. H. Hobbs

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

A farm boy got a white football for Christmas. He played with it awhile and accidentally kicked it over into the neighbor’s yard. The old rooster ran out, looked at it, and called the hens to see it. “Now look here,” the rooster told them, “I don’t want you to think I’m complaining, but I want you to see what they are doing next door.”

Source: Unknown

Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College

One woman commented on her husband’s unsavory disposition: “He can be nice when he wants to . . . he just never wants to!”

Source: Unknown

The visitor was curious when he saw the Bible verse on the door from 1 Corinthians 15:51: “Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed.” It all became clear when the visitor realized the door went to the nursery.

Source: Unknown

Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s “passage-restrictive.”

Kids don’t get in trouble anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

A student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”

You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

Your homework isn’t missing; it’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”