Humor

Gertrude and Mildred were driving to their Sunday school party. The two elderly sisters were thankful they could still drive and took turns driving the Buick they shared. Gertrude became very nervous after Mildred ran through two red lights. As they approached the next light, Mildred was talking nonstop and gave no indication that she would stop. Gertrude shouted, “Mildred, the light is red!” Mildred immediately slammed on the brakes. As she stared at the red light she said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were driving.”

Source: In Other Words

A story is told about a man who found out it was his time to go to Heaven.

He asked the Lord if he could bring just one thing. The Lord said, “No”. Finally after many requests the Lord said, “You can bring one thing.”

Happily, the man packed his suitcase full of gold.

When he arrived in Heaven the angels said, “Sorry you can’t bring that in here.”

He said, “The Lord said I could.”

“Okay,” they said. “By the way, what’s in there anyway?”

The man opened the bag, and they looked in. Then an angel said, “Oh. It’s pavement.”

The story is told of a zoo that was noted for their great collection of different animals. One day the gorilla died, and to keep up the appearance of a full range of animals, the zookeeper hired a man to wear a gorilla suit and fill in for the dead animal. It was his first day on the job, and the man didn’t know how to act like a gorilla very well. As he tried to move convincingly, he got too close to the wall of the enclosure and tripped and fell into the lion exhibit.

• The doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
• You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
• Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.
• The potatoes you used set off another famine in Ireland.
• You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
• You set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog Friday.
• Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
• You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
• Repre

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, “Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?”

“Why, of course,” he replied. “He hears us every time we pray.”

She paused on this a moment, and asked, “Does He hear everything we say the rest of the time?”

A visiting farmer stopped at a city restaurant to eat lunch. When he was served his food he bowed his head and gave thanks to the Lord. Some teenagers sitting at a nearby table noticed the farmer’s prayer and shouted, “Hey, pops, back where you come from does everybody pray before they eat?”

Their laughter was silenced when the unmoved farmer answered, “No, the hogs don’t.”

Source: Unknown

A bad moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful, and has no one to thank.

While at the grocery store picking up a turkey, little Billy of the Family Circus told his mother, “Thanksgiving should come AFTER Christmas, then we’d have more things to be thankful for.”

Source: In Other Words

A little boy was asked to pray for dinner. Before he bowed his head to pray, he looked at the dish. Then, closing his eyes he prayed, “Lord, I don’t like the looks of it, but I’ll thank you and eat it anyway.”

Source: Unknown

In today’s politically correct environment where you have to be so careful to keep from offending anyone, we might all have to give reports like this fourth grader who reported on the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday. ”The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of you know what. When they landed, they gave thanks to you know Who. Because of them, we can worship each Sunday, you know where.”

Source: Unknown

”A father gave his little girl two dollars and said, “You can do anything you want with one of the dollars, but the other dollar belongs to God.”

With joy she ran to the candy store. On the way she tripped and one dollar fell into the storm drain. She got up and said, “Well Lord, there goes Your dollar.”

Source: Unknown

1. Don’t buy clothing that involves sizes. The chances are one in seven thousand that you will get her size right, and your wife will be offended the other 6999 times.

2. Avoid all things useful. The new silver polish advertised to save hundreds of hours is not going to win you any brownie points.

3. Don’t buy jewelry. The jewelry your wife wants, you can’t afford. And the jewelry you can afford, she doesn’t want.

It takes 90 gallons of water to baptize a Christian and only 9 drops of rain to keep him at home!

Source: Unknown

The story is told of two liberal sociologists who were walking down the street. They saw a man lying unconscious and covered with cuts and bruises from a terrible mugging. One of the sociologists turned to his colleague and said, “Whoever did this terrible deed really needs our help.”

Source: Unknown

The late Colonel Sanders (of Kentucky Fried Chicken) was on an airplane when an infant screamed and would not stop even though the mother and flight attendants tried every trick they could think of. Finally the Colonel asked if he could hold the baby. He gently rocked it to sleep. Later a passenger said, “We all appreciate what you did for us.”

Colonel Sanders replied, “I didn’t do it for us, I did it for the baby.”

Source: Using Humor for Effective Business Speaking, Gene Perret

The story is told about the father of a vacationing family who came across a large sign that read, “Road Closed. Do Not Enter.” The man proceeded around the sign because he was confident it would save them time. His wife was resistant to the adventure, but there was no turning back for this persistent road warrior. After a few miles of successful navigation, he began to boast about his gift of discernment. His proud smile was quickly replaced with humble sweat when the road led to a washed-out bridge. He turned the car around and retraced his tracks to the main road.

The story is told about a barber who had just been gloriously saved in an old-fashioned revival meeting. The next morning at work he wanted to share his new faith and witness to the lost. A customer came in, and the barber began to shave him. He was trying to muster up the right words to say. Finally as he stood with his razor poised over the man’s throat he asked, “Are you prepared to meet God?”

Source: Unknown

A young boy traveling by airplane to visit his grandparents sat beside a man who happened to be a seminary professor. The boy was reading a Sunday school take-home paper, and the professor thought he would have some fun with the lad. “Young man,” said the professor, “if you can tell me something God can do, I will give you a big, shiny apple.” The boy thought for a moment and then replied, “Mister, if you can tell me something God can’t do, I’ll give you a whole barrel of apples!”

Source: Unknown

A mother walked into her teenage son’s makeshift weight room and watched him work out on the bench press. After seeing him move through several heavy repetitions, she asked, “Why is it you can lift nearly two hundred pounds, but you can’t pick up your clothes?”

Source: Unknown

A married couple had a quarrel and ended up giving each other the silent treatment. Two days into their mute argument, the man realized he needed his wife’s help. In order to catch a flight to Chicago for a business meeting, he had to get up at 5 a.m.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”