A man went to see his doctor for advice about being cured of snoring. The doctor asked, "Does your snoring disturb your wife?"
The patient replied, “Does it disturb my wife? Why it disturbs the entire congregation.”
A man went to see his doctor for advice about being cured of snoring. The doctor asked, "Does your snoring disturb your wife?"
The patient replied, “Does it disturb my wife? Why it disturbs the entire congregation.”
A pastor once said to a man in town, “When you were born, your mother brought you to church. When you were married, your wife brought you to church. When you die, your friends will bring you to church. Why not try coming to church on your own sometime?”
“Complaining is like bad breath, you notice it when it comes out of somebody else's mouth, but not your own.”—Will Bowen
While Roxie Wallace’s preschool grandson was visiting, he got testy and started crying about the least little things that didn’t go his way. One such incident involved animal crackers. He wanted some more, but she refused to give in so he burst into tears. In exasperation Roxie said, “Sam, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. You cry over nothing.” He calmed down, looked at her and replied, “You need to tell me, ‘Stop whining.’”
“The Great Wall of China is a gigantic structure which cost an immense amount of money and labor. When it was finished, it appeared impregnable. But the enemy breached it. Not by breaking it down or going around it. They did it by bribing the gatekeepers.”—Harry Emerson Fosdick
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the police officer was interrupted by a little girl. She asked if he was a policeman, and he nodded while continuing with his report. She then explained how her mother told her that if she ever needed help she should ask a policeman. She asked, “Is that right?” The officer replied, “Yes, that's right.” The kindergartener then pointed at her shoe and tenderly asked, “Would you please tie my shoe?”
Some Christians are like:
1. Wheelbarrows–must be pushed
2. Canoes–need paddling
3. Kites–must be kept on a string
4. Footballs–can’t tell where they will bounce next
5. Balloons–full of wind
ready to blow up
6. Trailers–must be pulled
7. Lights–go on and off
8. Kittens–content when petted
But some are like the North Star—there when you need them, dependable, and loyal.
In the 1880s a young man who was an earnest Christian found employment in a pawnshop. Although he disliked the work, he did it faithfully as unto the Lord until a more desirable opportunity opened for him. To prepare himself for a life of Christian service, he wrote on a scrap of paper the following resolutions: “I do promise God that I will rise early every morning to have a few minutes—not less than five—in private prayer.
A door-to-door salesman from a publishing house asked a lady if she owned a copy of the Bible. "I certainly do!" she replied with some pride. To his next question, did she read it regularly, she responded, "Oh, yes!" and sent her little daughter to get the Bible from the table drawer. As she showed it to the salesman, her spectacles fell from between the pages. Without thinking, she exclaimed, "Oh, here are my glasses! I've been looking for these for 3 years!"
In 1973, a horse named Secretariat became a legend in his time. Not only did Secretariat win the Triple Crown of Thoroughbred Racing, but he did it with an unprecedented performance. At the Belmont Stakes, he not only won the race by 31 lengths, but he set new records along the way as he went faster with each phase of the run. For one-and-one-half miles, that famous thoroughbred ran faster every second. Secretariat was accelerating at such an incredible pace that his trainer noted if the race had been extended another lap, his heart would have literally exploded.
Monarch butterflies are a celebrated species that automatically capture attention with their brilliant beauty. Each fall, these butterflies migrate from the United States and Canada to Angangueo, Mexico. Amazingly, they all congregate at the top of the same mountain each year with phenomenal punctuality around the first of November. They are so dense that you can actually hear the noise of their wings flapping when they take off to fly, and the trees literally bend from their cumulative weight.
Even with escalating gas prices, Ward still took his family for a long trek out to California and up the Pacific coast. When he returned, friends were eager to hear how it turned out. Ward couldn't have been more pleased. He said they made it all the way to Los Angeles before a tow truck picked them up. His buddies sighed as if they were feeling his pain. Ward quickly replied, “Oh, there wasn't anything wrong with the car. It was just cheaper to get towed than pay for gas.”
Judd Lewis (1867-1945) worked for forty-five years at the Houston Post newspaper. He wrote a column of humor and poetry under the name, “Uncle Judd.” He was a man of great compassion who helped find a proper home for two hundred twenty-one homeless children. No doubt, each of them had issues of forgiveness to work through, so it is not surprising that one of Lewis’s most memorable pieces involved the fine art of forgetting wrongs suffered. His poem is titled “Forget It”
Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries. “How can you now claim to have all these injuries?” asked the insurance company's lawyer. “According the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt.”
“It's like this,” said the New Yorker. “I was lying in the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I knew, the sheriff pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then he turned to me and said, 'Are you okay?'”
A. J. Jacobs is the acclaimed author best known for completely immersing himself in his research. He read an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica for his book The Know-It-All and spent another year living like an Old Testament Hebrew. Among his unique quests, he once embraced the original version of Thanksgiving. He came to realize it was quite a celebration with games, riddles, races, contests, and foods like eel and lobster.
During musical tryouts, a young man with a horrible voice auditioned for the lead part. He simply didn't have the ability to sing and that became more obvious with each passing measure. His entire rendition was off pitch and painful to hear. The panel of judges sat in stunned silence, but when he finished, one judge jumped to his feet and gave the young man a rousing ovation.
Satan promises the best, but pays with the worst;
He promises honor
and pays with disgrace;
He promises pleasure and pays with pain;
He
promises profit and pays with loss;
He promises life and pays with
death.—Thomas Brooks