Girl: “Do you love me?”
Boy: “Yes, Dear.”
Girl: “Would you die for me?”
Boy: “No. Mine is an undying love.”
A mother gave her little girl a quarter and a dollar before church, “Put whichever one you want in the collection plate and keep the other for yourself,” she told the girl. When they were coming out of church, the mother asked her daughter which amount she had given. “Well,” said the little girl, “I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the man in the pulpit said that we should all be cheerful givers. I knew I’d be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did.”
When a drum major tossed his baton in Ventura, California, it hit two 4000-volt power lines, blacking out a ten-block area and putting a radio station off the air. The baton melted.
A bank robber in Los Angeles told the clerk not to give him cash, but to deposit the money to his checking account.
On his first assignment for a Chicago newspaper, a rookie reporter drove a company car to a car-crushing plant, parked in the wrong spot, and returned from interviewing the manager just in time to see the vehicle being compacted into scrap metal
Walter Knight told of an old Scottish woman who went from home to home across the countryside selling thread, buttons, and shoestrings. When she came to an unmarked crossroad, she would toss a stick into the air and go in the direction the stick pointed when it landed.
One day, however, she was seen tossing the stick up several times. “Why do you toss the stick more than once?” someone asked.
Two men were out hunting in the northern U.S. Suddenly one yelled and the other looked up to see a grizzly charging them. The first started to frantically put on his tennis shoes and his friend anxiously asked, “What are you doing? Don’t you know you can’t outrun a grizzly bear?”
“I don’t have to outrun a grizzly. I just have to outrun you!”
Aren’t you glad we don’t have a heavenly Father with a friendship like that!
A friend of mine awoke one morning to find a puddle of water in the middle of his king-size water bed. In order to fix the puncture, he rolled the heavy mattress outdoors and filled it with more water so he could locate the leak more easily. The enormous bag of water was impossible to control and began rolling on the hilly terrain. He tried to hold it back, but it headed downhill and landed in a clump of bushes which poked it full of holes.
Doctor to patient: “I have bad news and worse news.”
Patient: “So let’s have it.”
Doctor: “The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live.”
Patient: “I can’t imagine what could be worse than that!”
Doctor: “I forgot to tell you yesterday.”
One little boy gave an interesting answer when his Sunday school teacher was talking about the difference between sins of commission and sins of omission. Derek explained to his teacher that the sins of omission are, “Those sins that we want to do but we just haven’t gotten around to yet.”
A little boy was in a heated argument with his sister about who was going to get the last brownie. His mother overheard the loud discussion in their kitchen and came in to resolve the conflict. Her two children were obviously very distraught about getting that final treat. Sensing the need to teach a deeper truth, the mom asked her children that ever-relevant question: “What would Jesus do?” The older sibling immediately answered, “That’s easy, Jesus would just break the brownie and make five thousand more!”
Finding the Ten Commandments can be a challenge for many adults (Exodus 20). Imagine the looks a Sunday School teacher got when she inquired of their whereabouts in a class for five-year-olds. After a few moments of blank stares she asked again, “Can anybody tell me where to find the Ten Commandments?” Finally, a little kid offered, “Have you looked them up in the Yellow Pages?”
Surprised to see an empty seat at the super bowl stadium, a diehard fan remarked about it to a man sitting nearby. “It was my wife’s,” the man explained, “But she died.” “Oh! I’m very sorry to hear that,” said the man. “Yet I’m really surprised that another relative, or friend, didn’t jump at the chance to take the seat reserved for her.” “Beats me,” he said. “They all insisted on going to the funeral.”
In a British weekly called the “Glass Window” this letter was published: “It seems ministers feel their sermons are very important and spend a great deal of time preparing them. I have been attending church quite regularly for 30 years and I have probably heard 3,000 of them. To my consternation, I discovered I cannot remember a single sermon. I wonder if a minister's time might be more profitable spent on something else”
In Words We Live By, Brian Burrell tells of an armed robber named Dennis Lee Curtis who was arrested in 1992 in Rapid City, South Dakota. Curtis apparently had scruples about his thievery. In his wallet the police found a sheet of paper on which was written the following code, sort of a robber's rules:
The story of is told of a girl who regretted breaking her engagement and wrote this letter:
“Dearest Tommy, No words could ever express the great unhappiness I’ve felt since breaking our engagement. Please say you’ll take me back. No one could ever take your place in my heart, so please forgive me. I love you, I love you, I love you! I love you!”
Yours forever,
Marie
PS: And congratulations on winning the state lottery.
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn in the road. The farmer who lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a spell and come on in and have dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.”
“That's mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don't think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed. “But Pa won't like it.”
A manager and a sales rep stood looking at a map on which colored pins indicated the company representative in each area. “I'm not going to fire you, Wilson,” the manager said, “but I'm loosening your pin a bit just to emphasize the insecurity of your situation.”—Bits and Pieces
During a training exercise in the field, a young recruit naively asked the commanding officer, “Sir, where is the fox hole?” The officer said, “You’re standing on it—just throw out the dirt.”
On a bar of Dial soap: DIRECTIONS—USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING
On a Korean kitchen knife: WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY
On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE
On Sainsbury's peanuts: WARNING—CONTAINS NUTS