A choir was practicing for a concert when the director, “Eight
years ago I was directing another choir in this anthem, and they made the same
mistakes you’re making.” A choir member called out, “Same director!”
Source: The Story File: 1001 Contemporary Illustrations, Steve May
A little girl said to her teacher, ”Miss Hayes, I
don’t want to scare you, but my dad said, If my grades don’t improve, someone’s
going to get a spanking!”
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. She said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
“Yes,” the class said.
“Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
A little fellow said, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
A teacher was trying to get each of her fifth grade students to buy a copy of the class picture. She said, “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are
all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael,
He’s a doctor.’
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s
the teacher, She’s dead.”
One day a little girl noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are
some of your hairs white, Mom?”
Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma,
how come all of Grandma’s hairs are white?”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and
thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shalt
not kill.”
The story is told of four high school boys who couldn’t
resist the temptation to skip morning classes. Each had been smitten with
a bad case of spring fever. After lunch they showed up at school and
reported to the teacher that their car had a flat tire. Much to their
relief, she smiled and said, “Well, you missed a quiz this morning, so take
your seats and get out a pencil and paper.” Still smiling, she waited as
they settled down and got ready for her questions.
Then she said, “First question—which tire was flat?”
An anesthesiologist often plays an important role when a
woman is going through labor. One woman was so grateful for her
anesthesiologist’s help that she told him, “I’m so happy about how well
everything went that I’m going to name my son after you. By the way, what is
your first name?”
“Thorndike,” he said.
She paused for a minute, then said, “Do
you have a middle name?”
A Peanuts cartoon showed Charlie Brown bringing Snoopy his
dinner on Thanksgiving Day. But it was just his usual dog food. Snoopy looked
at his bowl and said, “This isn’t fair. The rest of the world today is eating
turkey with all the trimmings, and all I get is dog food. Because I’m a dog,
all I get is dog food.” He stared at his food for a while, and said, “I guess
it could be worse. I could be a turkey.”
The
Butterball Turkey Company set up a telephone hotline to answer consumer
questions about preparing turkeys. One woman called to
inquire about cooking a turkey that had been in the bottom of her freezer for
23 years. The Butterball
representative told her the turkey would probably be safe to eat if the freezer
had been kept below zero for the entire 23 years. But the Butterball
representative warned her that even if the turkey was safe to eat, the flavor
would probably have deteriorated to such a degree that she would not recommend
eating it.
In Family Circus, Billy is talking to his
Grandmother. She encourages him to be grateful and says, “Always
count your blessings.” Billy replies, “But I’m not very
good at arithmetic.” Thanksgiving is the time to improve in gratefulness.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they're dead.”
Dwayne frantically turned to his wife and muffled the phone’s mouthpiece. With an ashen face he quietly repeated the last comment from the telephone conversation he was having with his parents. He whispered to Ashley, “Dad said we can go to their house for Thanksgiving or they can cut us out of their will. He says it’s our choice.”
Source: In Other Words
Submitted by the homiletics class of West Coast Baptist College
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean
up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
On a windswept hill in an English country churchyard stands a drab, gray
slate tombstone. The quaint stone bears an epitaph not easily seen
unless you stoop over and look closely. The faint etchings read:
Beneath
this stone, a lump of clay, Lies Arabella Young, Who on the
twenty-fourth of May, Began to hold her tongue.
